10.11 Plane Free Writing

We just took off and I have an hour and a half to really sit with my thoughts so I might as well go ahead and write them down for the world to see lol. This will most definitely be all over the place but that’s just how my brain works.

As we take off I’m looking over the city and this feels like closure. I feel like I finally got the chance to say goodbye to Atlanta. It didn’t feel rushed and was on my terms. Atlanta is a beautiful city filled with creators and innovators. I’ll forever love that place. Atlanta showed me things I never thought I’d be able to experience in life and I’m forever grateful. I’m not never going to move back because I honestly have no idea what the future holds but for now... I’m finally comfortable with me leaving. My plan is to stay in Maryland a little longer, maybe a year or two, and then move to the next place. Again, I have no idea what the future holds all I know is that I no longer feel like I’m being held down by the past.

One thing that’s been on my mind heavy lately is my love life (or lack their of). I am in therapy for this exact reason. I know what my main issue is, I don’t want to be hurt. None of us do. But I take it so far as to shut myself off completely and not even try because I know that pain is a possibility. So I’m in therapy to work on living in the moment and experiencing the people in my life. I don’t have to have it all figured out on day one. I don’t have to plan out our future on the first date. It’s ok to have a little mystery and really learn another person. That’s another reason why I’m speaking with a therapist. I want someone to want to know everything about me. Where I come from. And why I am the way that I am. Where my family comes from and my relationships with them. What my childhood was like. What I’m in to. What I do to release stress and everything else. BUT the last person I opened I to about those things used them agains me. So my problem is wanting someone to know me but not wanting to let them in out of fear that they’ll use it to hurt me. I’m learning to let people in. It’s a slow process but I’m working on it for sure. I don’t like being shut off. I don’t like not being able to trust people. I want that level of intimacy not just in a romantic relationship but in all relationships that I have.

My therapist had me take this assessment to dig a little deeper into attachment styles and mine came back as detached attachment style. I purposefully don’t let people in. I keep people at arms length because I don’t want to get hurt. Here’s the thing... I already know this. That’s my beef with my therapist right now. She’s telling me things I already know. I’m not asking you to tell me about myself, I’m asking you to help me fix myself! I already journal on my own because it’s a good way to help me organize my thoughts and just release right then and there. I can’t journal for myself AND for therapy. It’s not helping. So far, everything she’s had me do are things I’ve come to the conclusion to on my own. I’ve been vocal with her about her methods in hopes that they’ll change to meet the style of therapy that I need and if not, I’m going to have to find someone new.

FFA is SUPER HEAVY on my mind at all times. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I can promise you that I’m thinking about this clothing line. I just want it to be great! I’ve pushed out the launch a few times because I just want it to be perfect but I know the perfect I’m searching g for just doesn’t exist so I’m going for it. There were some delays with the clothes in production so I was either going to have to push out the date or have like a 2 month preorder. I didn’t want to do that at all so delay it is! Lol. I don’t mind though. I know it’ll be amazing. I’m starting to look for brand ambassadors now because I don’t want to worry about that later. I’m thinking maybe 8-10? That might seem like a lot but I really believe it’ll pay off with their reach. I just need women that’ll take it seriously! I have a few people in mind that are automatically in and the. A few others that I might have to persuade to join the party. That’s fine!

I’m moving into my own place at the beginning of the year. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I haven’t lived alone in YEARS but I’m ready to be on my own again. Mainly because I can have the freedom to not wear pants around the house lol.

Another thing is that I want to have 80% of my debt paid off by the end of 2021 (including my car). It’s definitely doable but I’d have to stick to a budget. Nothing too strict, I’d still be able to live my life but I’d need to put my future first. I’m really considering getting a little part time for the holidays since I’m not going anywhere. It’ll be a great way to stack up for all the velvet furniture I’m getting 😂

I think about babies a lot. I think about how I’d sue anything that got me pregnant even more. There is something about my vagina ripping to my asshole that just doesn’t sit right with me. Listen, I’m not against having kids I just need the person I’m reproducing with to understand that I’m putting my life on the line to bring YOHR seed into the world. You owe me for life. No wayyyyyy am I doing this for a pat on the back. Absolutely not. I’ve seen childbirth. It’s horrifying.

Joan inspired a new dating style for me. 3 months. I’m not sleeping with anyone before three months. Might not be after either tbh but I’m for sure saying three months before I consider it. Or maybe I should take after Sheldon and go like 4-5 years. That’d be interesting lol

I want a pet. I want a black cat and I want to name her Prudence Jaxon (PJ for short). I also want two more tattoos. The first my head in the clouds tattoo that I want to fill in that gap on my arm and the second is a perspective tattoo that my sister has on her ankle. I think it’s dope. I’m also trying to figure out when I’m going to loc my hair. I want sister love though. Those are a lot easier to manipulate into other styles. I’m also putting together a new workout plan for October. I’m definitely slimming down but I don’t want to lose the assets so I need to make sure I’m toning the areas that need to be toned and not getting rid of anything important.

It’s cold af on this plane. I named my period Julius and he decided to show up right as I was about to go through TSA. Luckily we have a sixth sense for these things and I caught him. Still sucks because I’m on this plane trying not to scream. You know I’ve only used the restroom on a plane once in my whole life? Not now... it’s only a 90 minute flight. This was when I flew home a few years ago. I think it was a 4 or 5 hour flight and I just couldn’t wait. I was terrified I’d have a soul plane moment lmao! I can’t do toilets on planes. That’s territory I’m just not comfortable with.

I’m working on conquering my fears. Flying was a big one but I think I’m comfortable with it. When I break it down in my head, I’m ok. I can get through it. I need my phone, headphones and gum and I’ll be alright. I like to either be on the flight out or the last. That way I’ll be asleep (Julius is keeping me up on this flight though. I’d love to take a little nap). Another fear I’m working through is large bodies of water. It’s the unknown part of the water that scares me. Like when I was flying back to Maryland from San Diego we had to go out over the ocean and then turn around and I promise I almost passed out. I could not deal with being out that far in a plane. NO MA’AM. But, we were in New York recently and took that ferry tour to the Statue of Liberty and it wasn’t too bad for me. Very shaky but I was able to remain calm the whole time. I did just keep looking at the water though lol. You couldn’t see the bottom! I don’t understand how that doesn’t scare some people! But that’s why I have a list of islands I’d like to visit. I want to enjoy all that nature has to offer including her beautiful rivers, lakes (natural) and oceans.

Finally in Maryland airspace but there is some turbulence due to the rain. It’s making me a little anxious but it’s to be expected so I’m just going to turn up my music and keep writing until the lights come on.

I just remembered I have two bottles of wine at home! Linganore is my favorite. I know that I need to branch out but I just love them so much! I’ve tried others but I just don’t like them. If anyone has any recommendations for a good semisweet wine I’m all ears. Please know I’m gonna tell you if it’s trash though. When I move that’s the only wine I’m gonna keep stocked on. It’s gotten so bad the the guy at the liquor store knows me by name and knows that I get one bottle every week smh. Honestly, I deserve it. Work is hard. Life is hard. Clearly from this post you can tell my mind is always going back any and everything so the wine is necessary. You know my favorite cheap drink? Capricio (rosé) it’s so good and will give you the right buzz perfect for a low key event or kickback. Best in the summertime though. A little pool action? Perfect! Definitely a summer drink.

It’s raining here but that was honestly one of the smoothest landings I’ve experienced. We’ve landed so that’s all I’ve got! I’m not going to edit this at all lol

I love y’all and I’ll catch you guys on the next post!

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"I've decided that I'm a good person and that I deserve good things to happen to me- and therefore I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself as much as possible... I'm not gonna let other people make me feel guilty about what I'm doing. I'm not gonna take responsibility for where other people are, no matter who they are or how related they think they are to me."  -Abraham Hicks

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