Birthdays in the Sky 9.20.18

A dedication <3

I almost felt like maybe I shouldn't write this because I didn't know you as an adult. I'd seen you around and we'd have short conversations but that was it. I knew you but I didn't really get to know you... Nonetheless, everything thing written here is completely from the heart and it's my way of saying what I should've said to you before.

I know it's been a while but there are a few things that I've been wanting to say. First off, I want to apologize. I'm so sorry for not holding up my end of the deal. It was a small agreement we made that I honestly didn't even remember until I saw my Facebook timeline flooded with RIP's that day. We made an agreement to always keep in touch. We knew we weren't that close but we agreed that we would still check in on each other. We did it for a while in high school but towards the end, it faded. I think we both expected it but still, I'm sorry.

I remember there was one night where I was driving on Roser, coming from getting a Red Cream Soda from the liquor store on 7th Ave and Southern, and I saw you walking down the street. I stopped at the light and gave you a nod and a wave. You smiled, nodded and waved back and then the light changed and we kept it moving in our separate directions. That was the last time I saw you. It was such an innocent and simple interaction and I never thought that'd be the last one.

It's crazy how life works. You get so used to seeing things happen to other people. You never stop to think that it could happen to you or someone that you know. When I first read the story, I was like "Nah, it has to be someone else." Julain made it real for me. And I think that's what broke my heart the most. Seeing him break over you was something I never wanted to see. I didn't come to your funeral for that exact reason. I couldn't see everyone that we'd grown up with that way. I'm not the best at processing my emotions or even acknowledging that I have any so the one opportunity I was given to be around people that I knew and just bond over the love we had for someone else, I ran. I made sure to keep my distance.

I remember at PLJ when we were fighting and both got suspended, neither one of us told our parent so we both went to school like nothing happened and hid out in the library and the bathrooms all day.

Social Media gives us a way to stay in touch without staying in touch. It's like, I could see how you were doing and like a status here and there and that'd be it. We were able to keep in contact without actually contacting each other. I just wish I would've done better at checking in. I'm not saying it would've changed anything but I would've gotten to know you as a man, not just a boy. I would've known you with no hair lol (that still trips me out). And would've been able to see what you were interested in now vs then.

It sucks to say but this happening to you is what made me want to be better with everyone else. Keeping tabs and sending random messages just to make sure everyone is ok. I wish I would've done more when you were here and now that you're not, I don't know. I just feel a sense of regret and something else that I can't quite put my finger on.

I'm not really sure if angels have birthdays but if they do, I hope you are turning up for yours! Happy Birthday Leo <3

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"I've decided that I'm a good person and that I deserve good things to happen to me- and therefore I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself as much as possible... I'm not gonna let other people make me feel guilty about what I'm doing. I'm not gonna take responsibility for where other people are, no matter who they are or how related they think they are to me."  -Abraham Hicks

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