Attachment Styles

Today we're talking about Attachment Styles and how they impact all relationships from friendships to romantic partners. To understand the four types of attachment styles we first need to understand Attachment Theory.

Attachment Theory is a is a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. The most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development.

There are four Attachment Styles:

  • Secure

  • Anxious-Preoccupied

  • Dismissive-Avoidant

  • Fearful-Avoidant(disorganized)

The attachment style we developed as infants has a profound effect not only on our emotional growth, but the health of our future relationships as well. There are tons of quizzes that you can take to determine your attachment style and I'll make sure to link them at the end of this post. To start, lets dig into each style..

First up, SECURE:

At the point when an individual has a safe connection style, they feel certain about their relationship and their accomplice. They feel associated, trusting, and alright with having freedom and letting their accomplice have autonomy even as they straightforwardly express love. They connect for help when they need it and offer help when their accomplice is troubled. Low on shirking, low on nervousness.

OK with closeness; not stressed over dismissal or engrossed with the relationship. "It is simple for me to draw near to other people, and I am open to relying upon them and having them rely upon me. I don't stress over being deserted or about somebody getting excessively near me." People with a Secure connection style are trusting, empathic, lenient toward contrasts and excusing. They can impart their necessities and feelings sincerely and straightforwardly; receptive to accomplice's needs and reacts suitably. They likewise don't dodge struggle.

As Children

  • Separates from parent

  • Seeks comfort from parents when frightened

  • Greets return of parents with positive emotions

  • Prefers parents to strangers

As Adults

  • Have trusting, lasting relationships

  • Tend to have good self-esteem

  • Share feelings with partners and friends

  • Seek out social support


In contrast to safely connected couples, individuals with a restless connection will in general be frantic to frame a dream bond. Rather than feeling genuine love or trust toward their accomplice, they regularly feel "passionate yearning". They're every now and again looking to their accomplice to save or finish them. In spite of the fact that they're looking for a feeling of wellbeing and security by sticking to their accomplice, they take activities that drive their accomplice away.

Despite the fact that tensely joined people act edgy or uncertain, as a general rule, their conduct intensifies their own apprehensions. At the point when they feel uncertain of their accomplice's emotions and perilous in their relationship, they regularly become tenacious, requesting or possessive toward their accomplice. They may likewise decipher autonomous activities by their accomplice as assertion of their feelings of dread. For instance, if their accomplice begins mingling more with companions, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”

As Children

  • May be wary of strangers

  • Become greatly distressed when parents leave

  • Do not appear comforted when parents return

As Adults

  • Reluctant to become close to others

  • Worry that their partner does not love them

  • Become very distraught when relationships end


Despite the fact that dismissive-avoidant individuals show very little fear of being abandoned or rejected by their partner, they still tend to maintain an emotional distance. People with this style generally have relatively high self-esteem and take pride in being autonomous and self-sufficient. The main thing they disdain more than relying upon others is being another person's inclining post. DA types will effectively evade accomplices who are excessively penniless. Accordingly, they are fairly fussy about who they pick as an accomplice. Despite the fact that they for the most part feel meriting being seeing someone adored by others, their particularity and inclination to pull away when somebody turns out to be excessively close can make the improvement of close enthusiastic bond troublesome. This connection style is the aftereffect of indifferent or inert child rearing, driving the pretentious avoidants to figure out how to fulfill their feelings all alone.

As grown-ups, those with an avoidant connection will in general experience issues with closeness and cozy connections. They frequently maintain a strategic distance from closeness by utilizing pardons, (for example, long work hours) or may fantasize about others during sex. Examination has likewise demonstrated that grown-ups with an avoidant connection style are additionally tolerating and liable to participate in easygoing sex. Other basic attributes incorporate an inability to help accomplices during distressing occasions and a powerlessness to share sentiments, contemplations, and feelings with accomplices.

As Children

  • May avoid parents

  • Do not seek much contact or comfort from parents

  • Show little or no preference for parents over strangers

As Adults

  • May have problems with intimacy

  • Invest little emotion in social and romantic relationships

  • Unwilling or unable to share thoughts or feelings with others

Lastly, we have FEARFUL-AVOIDANT:

An individual with a frightful avoidant connection lives in an irresolute state, in which they fear being both excessively near or excessively removed from others.  They endeavor to keep their emotions under control however can't. They can't simply dodge their nervousness or flee from their sentiments. Rather, they are overpowered by their responses and frequently experience enthusiastic tempests. They will in general be stirred up or eccentric in their dispositions. They see their connections from the working model that you have to go toward others to get your requirements met, however in the event that you draw near to other people, they will hurt you. All in all, the individual they need to go to for wellbeing is a similar individual they are terrified to be near. Therefore, they have no composed procedure for getting their requirements met by others.

As grown-ups, these people will in general wind up in rough or sensational connections, with numerous highs and lows. They regularly have fears of being deserted yet in addition battle with being personal. They may stick to their accomplice when they feel dismissed, at that point feel caught when they are close. Customarily, the circumstance is by all accounts off among them and their accomplice. An individual with dreadful avoidant connection may even end up in an oppressive relationship.

As Children:

  • Show a mixture of avoidant and resistant behavior

  • May seem dazed, confused or apprehensive

  • Some children may act as a caregiver toward the parent

As Adults:

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Clingy

I took this exercise in one of my therapy sessions and I came out as Dismissive-Avoidant. I was rated on seven different categories:

  • Intense Need for Security - refers to a fear of abandonment and rejection, which often causes clinginess

  • Avoidance of Closeness - Tendency to maintain an emotional distance from a partner

  • Self-esteem - Degree to which you consider yourself valuable and worthy of love and respect

  • Need to Please - Refers to an excessive and extreme desire to make others happy, even at the expense of personal pleasure

  • Indecisiveness - Refers to a discomfort with or inability to make decisions

  • Need to Control - Desire to be in command of every aspect of a partner's life, and the relationship itself

  • Extreme Altruism - Refers to an excessive and intense desire to help others

All in all, it showed that occasionally, the fear of being rejected or abandoned by my partner does cross my mind. I prefer not to get too close to my partner and I'm not comfortable relying on my partner when necessary. I consider myself a valuable person who has a lot to offer to a partner, creating a strong sense of self-worth. I know that I deserve to be loved and respected just like everyone else. I am not one that will bend over backwards for others but I am still willing to make sacrifices for the sake of my relationship.

Constantly going out of my way to satisfy my partner to the point where my own needs and desires are ignored can result in a build-up of resentment and frustration. Even when in a relationship, I maintain my independence and I am comfortable standing on my own two feet. I'm not the type of person who exhibits an excessive desire to control my partner. I prefer a healthy balance of give and take. I prefer not to tell my partner and will not allow them to tell me what to do. I will also not let a partner be completely dependent on me. I realize that sometimes, the best way to aid someone is to help them help themselves.

I can't say that I don't agree with the above, it just makes me a little sad. To know that I am this detached and to know why just makes me take a look back at my past relationships and want to change. What's most important about finding your attachment style is knowing they aren't permanent. You can always grow and change.

Some advice for the different styles:

Anxious- Advise yourself that stressing doesn't transform anything. Be somewhat meticulous. Lift your certainty. Remind yourself how uncommon you are and how fortunate somebody is have you. Find support if necessary and don't sum up. It can be difficult not to get anxious when past relationships have ended in abandonment. Remember not all relationships are the same.

Dismissive- Be careful with making difficult separation. Understand that drawing near to somebody doesn't mean they'll be tenacious. Take a more extensive view. Make balance, it's significant for you to keep up your independence just as have a strong relationship. Try not to be hesitant to incline toward others incidentally.

Fearful- Try not to be reluctant to go out on a limb. There is no uncertainty that trust is something individuals ought to gain - something that ought to grow bit by bit. Likewise note, an extraordinary evasion of closeness can be the consequence of an Avoidant Personality Disorder as per past discoveries. You should look for proficient assistance.

If you'd like to know what your attachment style is check out the following links and let me know what yours came out to be!

As always, thank you all for hanging out with me and please stay safe out there! Until next time...

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