What's it called when you're afraid to accept the good happening in your life because you think something bad will happen? T'hats what I've been feeling these days.

My life is moving in such a positive direction these but I can't seem to get out of my own head. I am starting a clothing line Faux Fashion Apparel and I couldn't be more excited about that! I've also just received a raise at work so you'd think I would just be on cloud nine but I can't seem to let down my guard and just be happy. Is this normal?

Aversion to Happiness or Cherophobia is what it's actually called. When a person experiences cherophobia, they're afraid to participate in activities that many would characterize as fun or being happy.

It's not that I don't want to be happy, of course I do! I've just had so many experiences in the past where things were going really well and the rug was just ripped from beneath me out of the blue. I know that things grow when you feed into them so I am trying my hardest to not even acknowledge those thoughts but it is so hard these days. We're all locked inside and I have no real distraction, I can't shut it off. I'm working on the launch and I have my blog (that I haven't been paying enough attention to) and it just isn't enough to drown out the noise.

Also, I know that I don't need to be in survival mode anymore but I just can't seem to shake it. I have a job, a roof over my head, a car, I'm able to provide whatever I want for myself when I need it and yet I still can't figure out why I am in this constant state of just...

I am rebuilding. I'm digging deep and trying to undo the things that were done to me in the past and also the things I've done to others. In doing this work, I've revealed a series of patterns in my life that I don't want to repeat and in trying to prevent them from being repeated, I've shut myself off from the good things.

This wasn't really meant to be a think piece... just wanted you guys to know why I haven't been writing lately. I can't focus. I feel like I'm trying to undo so many different knots that more are forming and it's exhausting. I know I'll be able to shake this eventually but I just need some time to try and figure it all out somehow. I'm starting virtual therapy soon and I'm hoping I can find some relief with this.

As always I hope you all are staying safe and in good health. Let's look out for each other.

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"I've decided that I'm a good person and that I deserve good things to happen to me- and therefore I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself as much as possible... I'm not gonna let other people make me feel guilty about what I'm doing. I'm not gonna take responsibility for where other people are, no matter who they are or how related they think they are to me."  -Abraham Hicks

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