First post of 2019... 2.13.19

First post of 2019 and it's just going to be my rambling post. Just me getting my thoughts on paper so that I can try and sort them out. Feel free to add any venting you'd like to do in the comment section below!

Happy News: I’m going to be an aunt! My sister is having a baby, I think it’s a girl, and I’m so excited! I cannot wait to have someone that I can spoil and just love forever but also not be responsible for lol. Another great thing is that a friend of mine is also having a baby! TWO babies this year! I’m so excited y’all!

Work: I am so grateful and happy to have a job. I am happy that I am able to afford nice things and pay my bills but I CAN'T WAIT for the day that I can work for myself. I know that this is a learning experience and that it's a blessing to even be able to wake up and go to work in the morning but tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and I feel like I'm going hard for someone else's dreams and not giving any attention to my own. I do plan to open up a bar in Atlanta in early 2021. I've been doing my research and taking classes to gather as much information as possible so that I'm in the best position possible when everything is up and running.

Home: Home is good, I'm at peace there. I think I'm super at peace because I just have my own space where I can be unapologetically me and I don't have to answer to anyone. I am accountable for everything that I do and I don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm decorating it the way that I like it and just living my best life there. I still don't know if this is where I want to stay. I don't know why I can't just pick a place and settle down. It’s like I think I’ll finally be happy in the next place or something. One thing I do know is that I for sure want to move back to Atlanta. I want to open my bar there and I want to have my family there. I just don’t know when I’m going to go back. I want to stay with this job up until I open my bar. I’m hoping that after working here for a while, there will be an option for me to work from home. That way, I can just move back and work remotely. That is my dream scenario!

Friendships: If we are being completely honest, I don’t really have any at the moment. I mean, I think I have friends but I don’t feel like I do. A friend, to me, is someone that is there for me and I for them whenever. We aren’t just soundboards for each other. We spend time together and develop a bond. I understand that there are different levels of friendships, that’s why I don’t consider everyone my friend. I feel like I have a lot of associates, not friends. I feel that any relationship, friend, love or family, should be a two-way street. I don’t feel like one person should be doing all of the work. If I’m the one that’s always reaching out to you and the one that’s always trying to hang out or practically begging for you to spend time, I don’t need you in my life. I should want you in my space just as much and you want me in yours. Some people are saying it’s not healthy to just cut some people off because they aren’t performing the way you want them to but I feel like that’s the point. Why have you around if you don’t want to be around? Why keep checking on you if you don’t care to check on me? I just don’t want that anymore so I dropped everyone. Those that put effort into some type of relationship with me are the only ones I’m worried about.

Love: Don’t have a love at the moment. I thought I wanted one but I don’t think so. I think I need to spend a little bit more time with myself and finding out what really makes me happy before I can bring someone else in. I want to heal myself. I don’t want to be someone else’s mistakes to be the next mans burden. I’m still going on dates but I’m not getting serious with anyone and I let that be known up front.

Travel: I plan to occupy most of my time this year traveling domestically and internationally. I just want to have fun and really enjoy what the world has to offer. I’m doing this alone because I want to find that spark within me again.

Spirituality: Working on it. Definitely doing a lot more research because I have a lot of questions that I need answered and I’m starting to understand things more for sure.

Random writing: I don’t really have anything set in stone for my life outside of the fact that I know I want to open my bar in Atlanta in 2 years but I don’t really know much after that. I want to be in a relationship eventually but I genuinely think that I need to spend some time alone and really get in touch with self. I have a lot of healing that I need to do because I’m tired of letting things that’ve happened to me in the past hold me back. I want to be able to break free and move forward with no fear of going backwards.

I really want to go home soon but it’s so far away and plane tickets to Arizona are UBER expensive and I just cannot right now lol. I’m thinking maybe in the summertime. I am so wishy-washy about everything right now. Like I want to do things and I don’t want to do things.

My birthday is the biggest thing I’m up in the air about because I really wanted to go to the DR but I don’t know how possible that’d be so I just settled on having something in Atlanta because I wanted to be surrounded by people that semi like me but I think it might be easier if I just go out of town alone and have a good time. I don’t know where this need to feel wanted came from but it’s back and stronger than ever. Maybe this is the perfect time for me to have some alone time. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go solo for a little bit. But then again… I want a party. But then again… it’s not like someone else is throwing me the party. I’d have to pay for my flight, the hotel room, the section, things to do while I’m there and also get a rental car. It doesn’t make sense. When I was pricing everything out, it was about $2535 for a good section at the best club and the hotel room in the city. Its like I’m paying for people to like me and come celebrate me. I don’t feel good about that. And I don’t want to cancel because I’ve told so many people about it. Another thing about that is my sister’s baby shower is the same day as my party would be. I feel like if I’m going to miss it, it needs to be for an experience. It needs to be for something that’ll be worth it. Not for a nightclub experience in Atlanta.

I’m officially back to posting and recording so everyone’s notifications are about to be on fire! I just needed to take some time to get settled in this new place before I began opening up again. If you aren’t already, be sure to like and subscribe to my website and my YouTube channel! I don’t have a set upload schedule yet, just when I feel like posting. Be sure to head over to the Forum section and brush up on some of my old videos and posts and join the conversation!

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"I've decided that I'm a good person and that I deserve good things to happen to me- and therefore I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself as much as possible... I'm not gonna let other people make me feel guilty about what I'm doing. I'm not gonna take responsibility for where other people are, no matter who they are or how related they think they are to me."  -Abraham Hicks

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