When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. - Fred Rogers
Therapy is something I've gone back and forth on for quite some time. I don't know if it's because I'm genuinely afraid to remember or if it's because I'm afraid of being judged by a stranger. Whatever the reason, I need to at least give it a chance.
I've been able to speak with quite a few people about their experiences and I've gotten a lot of mixed reviews but the main issue everyone has is deciding where to begin. Do we talk about my hopes and fears now or do we dive straight into the deep end? Childhood. I'm not gonna lie, there is a lot I don't remember.
I honestly don't even know where to begin with finding the right therapist. How do I know "the one"? This is someone I am going to be completely raw and vulnerable with so I should feel comfortable, right?
1 know for a fact my therapist has to be a woman. A man can't possible understand the problems I've faced because he isn't a woman and has never had to deal with woman things. I can't take advice from someone on something they've never been through.
My therapist has to be black. No other woman on this planet knows the struggles and pressures of being a black woman better than a black woman. If this experience is about me being comfortable and being able to truly open up, she has to be black.
She has to be older. I know that's a little crazy but I don't have a grandmother that I can talk to about my life and problems and know that it's done in complete confidence and without judgment. I need someone that radiates that loving grandmother energy but will still be honest and stern.
I know that might seem a little picky but I can't open up to just anyone. This isn't a process that I'm taking lightly AT ALL. I am going to be digging deep inside of myself to really touch why I am who I am, why I move the way that I do and why I'm afraid to let people in. There will definitely be a lot of sadness and anger and tears and I just want to make sure that I have the right person in my corner to guide me through it.
Why now? Why do I suddenly feel the urge to go to therapy? The answer is simple, the future. I can hear my biological clock ticking and before I open my heart and home up to love, I want to make sure it's the right kind. I want to make sure my heart and home are healthy enough for that love to grow. Right now I'm at a standstill and I feel like I've completely cut myself off emotionally. I don't talk about my feelings at all and when I do feel like someone might be getting a little too close, I deflect.
I want a family of my own one day. I've been having the same dream lately of me with my husband and daughter, just as happy as could be. Not perfect, but happy. I want that. I need that. And in order for that to happen, I need to unravel myself. Talk out the fear and the pain and just evolve into the woman I am supposed to be.
Nothing will work unless you do. - Maya Angelou
I've been under construction for some time now but I don't feel like I've been doing any of the necessary work to become a better me. With that being said, I'm not sure if I'll ever find the right therapist for me but I am definitely going to keep looking. I'm going to be 27 in 2020, not getting any younger here, so I want to make sure I'm taking full advantage of this time that I have to work on myself.
Have you been to therapy? What did you think about the experience? Is it some thing that you still do?