It's not you... 10.9.18

Accountability ac·count·a·bil·i·tyəˌkoun(t)əˈbilədē/noun

the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility."their lack of accountability has corroded public respect"synonyms:responsibility, liability, answerability"there must be accountability for the expenditure of every public cent"

Accountability is something I never thought I had to have. I just thought that people would meet me and hear about some of the things that I've been through and they'd just give me a pass for all of the fucked up situations I've caused. I've never really thought about the roles I've played. I've always been so reactionary and so quick to point the finger at someone. I've never taken the time to stop and look at myself in the mirror and realize that I can be very self sabotaging and very dominant in some situations. If there is something that I don't like or if something doesn't exactly go my way, I have to react. I have to show you that what you've done goes way beyond hurt. And now I have to do the same to you. Another thing that I struggle with is the fact that I can't just let things go. I'll say that I'm over it and that I don't think about whatever it is that hurt me but if I feel like you haven't suffered from making me suffer, then I need to do something to get under your skin like you got in mine. If you hurt me, I have to hurt you. I don't want to say that I'm spiteful because I'm not out here doing anything too disrespectful. I'm just doing what I think is small and it's just to get under your skin.

Another problem that I have outside of being a reactionary person is doing things that I know will get a reaction out of someone that I'm not really a fan of. By going out of my way to show you that I know this is going to put you in a bad mood, which is exactly why I'm doing it. I don't want to call it petty either because petty is kinda glorified these days and is something that people think is funny. I understand how my actions can be deemed childish or immature because a lot of the times I think it's ok to react to every single thing that happens to me and it's not fair to everyone else around me.

I now see why people can think that I'm mean or not know what to expect when they're dealing with me. I know that I'm a force but I need to learn how to be a silent one. I need to learn to keep my emotions locked up and not have a near breakdown every time I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable or hurts my feelings. It's like, I need you to feel how bad you hurt me and I need to tell everyone else so that they can agree with me and make what I've done seem like the appropriate and rational response to everything. It's not healthy.

What brought all of this about is because I said something the other day, intentionally, because I knew that it would get under the other persons skin. I knew I would get the subtle reaction that I wanted so I went for it. I thought that if I went ahead and went for the jugular every now and then that it would make me feel better. It did in that instant but a little bit later I was just like " Bitch, why??". I have this complex where I don't know how to leave well enough alone. Like we know, ok. We get it. You're hurt. You've had a bad thing happen to you AGAIN but that doesn't give you the right to go around acting like an asshole all the time and then in the same breath, ask why all this is happening to you. This could quite honestly be your karma. This could be what you get for not walking away, for entertaining the foolishness.

When I wake up in the morning, I look at my surroundings. I face my reality of being in the same place that I was in yesterday. Dealing with the same shit that I was dealing with before and that honestly makes me so mad. I don't like feeling like I'm not doing something right or like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in life so instead of dealing with me, I take it out on everyone else. I know that this isn't healthy and that I need to be able to talk about things when I feel some type of way but I've never been in an environment where that was welcomed or where I've felt like I was being taken serious so instead of me giving someone the chance to see me and my feeling for what they are, I'll deflect and make you feel like shit so I wont.

Most of this post was me deflecting from the real reason why I decided to write about accountability. I definitely do have problems with everything that I've written about and I'm still working on myself and the way that I am with people but my real, true reason for writing this was for me to take some ownership and accountability for the situation that I'm currently in...

So last year, a friend and I decided that we would get on this dating app and meet new guys together. There were some "good" guys and some "ok" guys and some "I'm bored, let's see where this goes" guys. My last relationship was a mix between "Ok" and "I'm bored, let's see where this goes." When we were texting, it was fine. He was such a great guy on paper. When I met him face to face for the first time, I was like "BRUH, never again", I honestly felt nothing for him. Like, he wasn't my type AT ALL. Literally nothing about him attracted me to him physically. And I'm not saying this to down him or to make it seem like he isn't an attractive guy, he just wasn't attractive to me. I don't think he ever was. I think i was attracted to the idea of having someone that I thought was all about me. But anyways, I wasn't feeling him at all. I think I went like a month or so before I decided to hit him up again. I think the only reason I ever reached out is because I wasn't getting the attention that I wanted from someone else (story for another time) so I decided to go where I thought the affection would be easy. I knew how I felt but I didn't care (ignoring red flag #!) It's almost like I forced myself to like him and then life started happening and he was there for me. Like for real for real. He was there. So it stopped being something that felt forced and started being something that I really really needed at the time.

Physically, it still wasn't there. It still wasn't something that I was jumping for joy over or someone that I was drooling over. I was literally just shooting the shit to see what would happen. - One thing y'all should know about me is that I don't like to be touched. I literally hate it. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that I'm not that girl. Don't touch me - So when we first slept together, I wasn't feeling it. Something was off, just didn't feel right. My body was like " Bitch, what are you doing" and I was like " Bitch, idk...". It just wan't something that I was like "Oooohh lets do this again" about. It was more like "Ok, maybe lets not...". I want to say out of the few times we actually slept together, I enjoyed it once. And that's no shame at all to him, everything thing isn't for everybody and his thing just wasn't for me.

So fast forward to me moving back to Arizona for a few months, it's when I actually start to like develop some real feelings for him because it's like I'm a mess at this point and he is still there. Like a real rock. Just there for me when I want to talk or when I just want some encouraging words for someone. But something is off, something still doesn't feel right. But I choose to ignore it and just keep falling for this person that I would normally never in my life go for. And again, this isn't anything against him, I just know myself and know what I like and in the past, I'd never been attracted to someone like him.

Something is still off though. Like, something is wrong and I know it. I ignore it because I think it's just me being paranoid.

I come back to visit just to see how everything is. To test the vibe and see if things are as weird as I think they are and I'm right. I don't say anything though. There are a few other red flags that I see but I'm letting them slide because here we have this person I wasn't expecting coming through and really looking out for me. It's cool and refreshing so I ignore it. I act like nothing major is happening and like it's normal for these things to be happening. I act like this is how it's supposed to go.

This is as far as I'm going to take it with that relationship in this post because I want everyone along with myself to be able to look at that and see that I wasn't supposed to be in this from the beginning. This wasn't a situation of me meeting someone I was attracted to out in public and shooting my shot. I was bored and decided to swipe right one someone I had no business being involved with all because I wasn't getting enough attention from the person I really wanted. I put myself in this situation. I would've never gotten cheated on if I wasn't involved with him in the first place. If I would've just left him alone and followed my initial instincts about him, I wouldn't have all this anger. And I'm not hurt, I'm mad. Mad that I let a nigga I didn't even want hurt me. Mad that I didn't trust my gut and listen to those warnings. I'm mad that I didn't trust my instincts. And I can't be mad at anyone but myself.

I know that I have a lot to work on within myself. I'm still growing and learning and trying to decide which ways I really want to move. Taking accountability and ownership of these disasters that I've caused is the first step in me growing and becoming a better woman.

I'm putting this all out there for someone else who might be going through the same thing as me. It isn't worth it, sis. Just let it go. Let that hurt go. You'll feel so much better once you do.

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"I've decided that I'm a good person and that I deserve good things to happen to me- and therefore I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself as much as possible... I'm not gonna let other people make me feel guilty about what I'm doing. I'm not gonna take responsibility for where other people are, no matter who they are or how related they think they are to me."  -Abraham Hicks

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